Changing the Single-Parent Mix

A growing portion of single-parent households are headed by men.

THE NEW YORK TIMES

TUESDAY, AUGUST 31, 1993

One day not long after his divorce, Don Merwin watched his 2 year-old daughter, Alina, waddle in diapers to the front door, where she stood on tiptoe and strained to reach the knob.

"Where are you going" asked Mr. Merwin, who lives in Sacramento, Calif.

"Oh," replied the toddler, clutching a doll in one arm, "I go find mommy now."

Usually the children of divorce have puzzled over why their fathers no longer live at home. Now a growing number of children ask the same questions about their mothers. The number of unmarried fathers living with children more than doubled from 1980 to 1992, according to the Census Bureau. Fathers now head 14 percent of single-parent households, up from 10 percent in 1980.

Dispelling the Image

The image of the single father has historically been that of a divorced or widowed man, rarely poor, who has custody of older children, usually boys. While the research on single fathers is scant, one recent study at the University of Wisconsin at Madison has dispelled some of these notions.

The researchers found that about 18 percent of the families headed by a single father live in poverty, although that is still far below the rate for families headed by single mothers, about 43 percent. Nearly 25 percent of single fathers have never been married and only 7.5 percent are widowed. About 44 percent of the children in these families are girls and one third are preschoolers.

More than 4 percent of all children now live with a single father. Overall, about 22 percent of American children live with a single parent.

"What we're seeing reflects the changing sexual ideology," said James Levine, the director of the Fatherhood Project at the Families and Work Institute in New York, a private research organization. "There are two major factors at work here: the great increase in working mothers and the revolution in views on fatherhood."

He noted that 30 years ago almost no fathers attended the birth of a child. Today, more than 90 percent are present in the delivery room.

"There is a new definition on what it means to be a man," he said. "And part of that is being a nurturer. In many cases the parents are simply deciding that it is appropriate for the man to be the primary care giver."

In an overwhelming majority of cases, the divorced parents decide who will take the children. In only a small number of divorces, probably fewer than 5 percent, does a judge determine the custody of dependent children. In those cases resolved in court, judges have increasingly awarded custody to fathers, turning away from the "tender years doctrine" that decreed that young children should stay with their mothers.

To be sure, mothers are still far more likely to retain custody, and it is fathers who more commonly disappear.

Disappearing Fathers

A recent University of Pennsylvania study found that five years after divorce, about half of the children had not heard from their fathers in the previous year.

Some feminist scholars have expressed doubts that many men are truly interested in day-to-day child rearing. "Given all the rhetoric about the new father," said Martha Fineman, a professor of law at Columbia University, "you'd think we'd see a much more significant jump" in the number of single men raising children.

Unlike divorced or never-married mothers, who are frequently regarded as failures, single fathers are often seen as men deserving of halos.

Howard Waitzman, a 47-year-old accountant in Skokie, Ill, said people customarily marvel when they learn he has raised three sons alone since his divorce 10 years ago.

Who Is Better?

"They might not know me from Adam, but when people find out I've got the kids, they assume I'm some kind of wonderful man," he said. Before the divorce, Mr. Waitzman said his wife thought he should have custody because he was a better parent. She pays $500 a month in child support and flies into Chicago from California once every five weeks to visit the children, now 18,16 and 15.

As a successful businessman, Mr. Waitzman was able to afford live-in maids when the children were younger.

For Mr. Merwin, however, single parenthood has meant a financial struggle. He quit his job as manager of a pizzeria to go on welfare and attend a junior college near his home in Sacramento. The college provides day care for his three children.

The initial court decree gave custody to his former wife, but later Mr. Merwin went to court to gain full custody, and his wife did not contest the action.

"I'm doing the best I can," he said, "but I worry about the kids missing their mom." He especially fears that his children will somehow feel they are to blame for the divorce

Practical or Symbolic?

In increasing numbers of disputes courts are awarding joint legal custody. In most cases, the children live with one parent. but both mother and father take part in child-rearing decisions. In California, joint legal custody is established in about 80 percent of all divorces involving children.

Some experts say joint legal custody is more symbolic than practical. "It's a way to make the non-custodial parent feel better," said Mr. Jacob. "In reality, the parent who lives with the children is making the decisions." In far fewer cases, the physical custody is divided as well.

Fred Dean, for example, has his daughter for a stretch of 10 days. His wife takes her for the next 10 days.

"She loves us both very much, and we do her," said Mr. Dean, a 33-year old driver for United Parcel Service in Longmont, Colo. "But it sometimes gets very confusing for her."

How Decision Was Made

Both Mr. Dean and his former wife had sought sole custody. The shared arrangement was ordered by a "custodial mediator" who oversees impasses in Boulder County Court. The decision came after a psychologist interviewed both parents, together and alone, and then each with the child present.

Many experts on divorce look skeptically on shared physical custody, warning that constant moves can leave a child feeling rootless. It is especially difficult when a child reaches adolescence and begins to establish his or her own activities and social network.

But a recent study in California of the children of divorce found that shared custody, when it lasted, was no worse than sole custody. The study of 1,000 divorces in San Mateo and Santa Clara Counties, which was published in 1992 in the book, Dividing the Child, also found that children living with fathers generally did as well as children living with mothers.

The study, conducted by Eleanor Maccoby, a Stanford professor, and Robert Mnookin, now a Harvard law professor, found that only 14 of the 1,000 cases had to be decided by a judge.

"Our research discovered that the welfare of kids following a divorce did not depend a lot on who got custody," Ms. Maccoby said, "but rather on how the household was managed and how the parents cooperated."

At Least Be Civil

Almost all experts on divorce agree on one thing. "Parents should do their damnedest to be civil with each other," Ms. Maccoby said. In fact, she said it was more harmful for divorced parents to speak harshly of one another than parents who are married.

Mr. Dean said he makes it a point not to speak ill of his former wife in front of his daughter, Autumn. Mr. Dean and his former wife live within three miles of one another and use the same baby-sitter during work hours. He said his supervisors had been understanding about his duties at home.

"Sometimes after work, a supervisor will want to talk about the day," he said. "And I'll say: 'I'll be happy to talk about it in the morning. But my daughter is waiting for me. And this time belongs to her.'"

Mr. Dean, a former Army sergeant, said some people wonder how he could possibly serve as a role model for a daughter. But he attributed such concerns to macho baloney."

He plays dolls with his daughter, helps her with her toy make-up kit and teaches her how to paint her nails. He recently sewed a skirt for her, coached by his mother, a seamstress. He prides himself on being a good cook and a top-rate housekeeper. He is so neat, in fact, that his daughter has made up a song, "My Cleanest Daddy."

He is also teaching her about ball games and automobile engines. They even "pump iron" together. Mr. Dean said his friends admire him but sometimes ask why he does not take the easier route and cede child-rearing to the girl's mother, like most fathers.

He said he replies: "I have never had any person in my life I love as much as my daughter. And I would trade nothing for her."

Mr. Dean said the biggest obstacle for a single father was meeting women. There is not much time for bars or other social events. And he said women often shy away when they learn his daughter stays with him so much.

"When I tell them, they say, 'Oh that's so nice.' But I can tell by the tone of their voice that they've just lost interest in me."

For some men, the lack of a father in their own childhoods has inspired them to take a greater role as parents.

"I don't really remember my father," said Troy Brown, who grew up in a rough-edged neighborhood in Boston. "I want it to be different for my son."

He was 18 years old when his 15 year-old girlfriend gave birth to a son. Mr. Brown, now 22, said his girlfriend was excited about being pregnant but became overwhelmed about being a mother just days after the birth.

"She left the baby with her mother and just took off," said Mr. Brown, who has had custody of his son, Troy Brown Jr., in the four years since then.

Determined to be a good father, but unsure how to gain the skills, Mr. Brown joined a support group at Roxbury Community College called "Fathers Incorporated."

"I can do it," he said. "Women have been doing it for a long time. Why not a man?" Mr. Brown, a $16,000-a-year data clerk at the Federal Environmental Protection Agency in Boston, gets help from his mother, who watches the boy during work hours.

There are days when he comes home from work so weary and down-hearted he can barely keep going "I'll start thinking about money," he said. "And I'll think about my son's mother. And I'll wonder: 'Why does all this have to happen to me?' But. then I'll walk in the door. And my little boy will run around the corner and look up at me and holler, 'Hey Dad.' And then I've got a big smile all over my face."

Changing the Single-Parent Mix:
A growing portion of single-parent households are headed by men.

                           1980                   1992

Male Parent only          690,000 (10%)         1,472,000  (14%)
Female Parent only      6,230,000 (90%)         9,028,000  (86%)
Total                   6,920,000              10,500,000

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